


I close my eyes, and you disappear

by SilverScaler3000



Series: Rants I think are relatable [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: #relatable?, Angst, Autism, Depression, Disability, Fitting In, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, My thoughts and feelings about my disability in a nutshell, Questioned self value, This was a writing assignment I had to do for a class..., Visit from future self
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 20:44:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14941079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverScaler3000/pseuds/SilverScaler3000
Summary: "You’re so bossy, a control freak."Shut up…"Why are you so overemotional? It’s not that loud, stop crying!"Shut up."You’re making a mountain out of a molehill, stop acting like such a weirdo-"SHUT UP!





	I close my eyes, and you disappear

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anyone and everyone with a disability](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Anyone+and+everyone+with+a+disability).



A little girl sat alone in the center of a field, arms wrapped tightly around herself as she rocked back and forth. Sobs shook her tiny form as they butted headfirst against her rib cage, and she struggled to keep them contained within the confines of her fragile body. And with each harsh whisper that tiptoed its way through her mind, they pushed even harder.

 _You’re so_ ** _bossy,_ ** _a_ ** _control freak_** _._

Shut up…

 _Why are you so_ ** _overemotional?_ ** _It’s not that loud, stop crying!_

Shut up.

 _You’re making a mountain out of a molehill, stop acting like such a_ ** _weirdo_  ** _-_

SHUT UP!

She shook her head violently, trying to rid her mind of those vile words. The sobs were clawing inside of her now, tearing what little hope and happiness she had to shreds. She whimpered as she sank even farther onto the ground.

Shifting slightly the girl shivered, wishing she was… she didn’t even know where. Just, not where she was right now. A silver lining, the  _only_ silver lining, to her predicament was that at least for now, she was actually alone. She had an excuse to feel this way. Out here in the field, she was by herself, with no one to keep her company. Now at least she could feel abandoned without standing in a crowd.

The grass and gravel the girl rested on made her cringe, the horrible texture making her want to claw at her own skin and curse it. But where else could she go?

A breeze ruffled her hair, carrying the _not so_ _distant_ sounds of laughter. She growled, knowing that this was fate mocking her. Why did she have to be like this? Why did everything have to be so hard? Why couldn’t she…

Why couldn’t she be happy?

Who had decided that she should instead feel completely alone no matter where she went? That she should feel burdened by a suffocatingly harsh presence constantly surrounding her, judgmental and misunderstanding?

People.

They crowded in from all sides, demanding, loud, and hurtful - both purposefully and accidentally. They wouldn’t,  _couldn’t_ ever understand her, because she was wrong. She was always wrong, because her very existence was wrong. It had started this way, and it would surely end this way. Trapped in the middle, the little girl knew that one half of her being belonged to one side of humanity, and another, much smaller piece of herself, belonged to the other. Neither side could ever hope to understand the other. The girl, however, could see both sides clearly. 

They just couldn’t see _her._

This is what had sent her out here. Not harsh words or glances, if anything it was the lack of them.  _Acknowledgment._ That was what she desired. Knowing that she was a part of a group. She could except a dirty look every now and again, if it meant people were actually looking at her.  _Seeing_ her, and above all else, understanding her.

At some point, she would have to resume her struggle and let her so-called  ** _mild_** disability define her once again.

“ _…No,_ ” a voice whispered.

The little girl blinked, looking up. Her eyes widened, and she gasped, standing up abruptly. Standing in front of her was a young woman, probably in her late teens. And she looked just like…

Herself?

She was smiling sadly at the girl, shaking her head. “It will get better. They might not always understand, but things will get better.”

“How?” the little girl whispered, afraid of the answer. “I mean do they have, have a…”

“A cure?” the older girl summarized. She laughed humorously. “Oh sweetheart, there’s no cure for being normal.”

The little girl blinked. “But, but I’m not normal. I’m…  _we’re_ so different,” she murmured, lowering her head in shame.

“It’s true,” the older girl sighed, “I still act normal until something bothers me. A loud sound, too many people, an accidental touch, there’s a lot of things I… _we_ will deal with in the future.  ** _But_ ** -”

The little girl didn’t resist as her older self gently slid her hand under her chin, raising her head up to meet matching green eyes. “We will find those that are willing to understand you, to understand _us_.”

The little girl felt tears welling in her eyes, and she sobbed with relief. Her eyelids slid shut for a brief instant, and when she opened them again, her older self was gone. And yet, she wasn’t. A few tears slipped down her cheeks, but these were out of joy, not grief. Her older self was her future, her goal, and she would never let go of it again.


End file.
